同学你好，该知识点来自沪江网校《雅思语法精讲【随到随学班】》的课程，想要更系统的学习，欢迎进入课程学习。不仅可以和更多的同学一起学习，而且还有老师、助教随时的学习指导和知识点解答哦。

同学你好~
On a Monday afternoon in winter
语法正确，但建议加入具体月份或更明确的时间描述，如On a chilly Monday afternoon in December

A light helicopter with a heavy Cargo was flying to a remote mountain.
Cargo不应大写，改为heavy cargo
时态建议改为过去进行时更生动was carrying heavy cargo toward a remote mountain

it began to have a storm
搭配不当，改为：a storm suddenly arose或it encountered a storm

However, the storm was more and more.
语法错误，改为：However, the storm grew increasingly violent.

before long, it grew high storms.
语义重复且表述不清，建议删除整句，与前句合并

The helicopter was out of the control
冠词多余，改为：The helicopter went out of control

the pilot made a crash.
搭配不当，改为：the pilot was forced to make a crash landing
When he woke up, After surrounding around,
时态混乱且语法错误，改为：After regaining consciousness and surveying his surroundings,

he decided to put up the tent first, then he tied the rope from the plane to a rock.
plane改为helicopter
建议优化为：he first pitched a tent, then secured the helicopter with a rope tied to a nearby rock

The next morning, when he went out and found that...
时态错误，改为：The next morning, he went out and discovered that...

There were lots of pieces smashed on the snow.
改为：It was smashed to pieces.

The only cargo was wrecked in the snow.
改为: There was cargo and wreckage in the snow.

祝同学学习进步~